A x Lingering x Pain
by HanaKaicho
Summary: Carelessly used words cut Killua to the core and he bolts away from Gon, hiding in the woods on Whale Island. Originally on AO3 by me. Cover image is by xxlovelyrose95xx on tumblr.


"This must be easy for you, Killua," Gon said, watching with awe as Killua breezed through correcting the assignment Gon had been struggling on for hours.

To Killua, those words felt like a dagger of ice plunged into his stomach. He felt like he was going to be sick. His pencil stopped momentarily before he put on a sarcastic tone and resumed marking errors as he said, "Yeah, well, it would be easy for you too if you weren't such an idiot. This stuff isn't even that hard. Didn't you have any schooling at all?"

Gon giggled and stuck his tongue out with his hand behind his head, looking a little coy.

Killua stared at him with a completely unamused face and then groaned with a disgusted tone. "Well I guess we can't all grow up to be prodigies, though you sure are friends with a lot. You'd think it might have rubbed off on you a little."

Gon pouted this time, looking fully indignant. "You guys grew up in better circumstances than I did!" he argued through a pout.

"What?!" Killua shouted. "That's not even true and it wouldn't be an excuse even if it were!"

The two bickered a while more before Gon said, "I'm thirsty. I'll go something to drink. Do you want something?"

"Sure, whatever's fine," Killua said noncommittally.

Gon left the room and went downstairs to go get drinks.

Almost immediately after he was out of Killua's sight, thoughts started spiraling around in Killua's mind.

" _This must be easy for you Killua."_

The words, viciously intoned like they had been back then, echoed in Killua's head, causing his pulse to race.

" _This must be easy for you, Killua. Since it means nothing to you."_

Killua held down a scream. Why couldn't he stop thinking about this? Gon had already apologized and probably hadn't really even meant it in the first place. He knew these things already and yet still Killua's stomach churned and his mind spun wildly at hearing those words from the boy he loved so much again.

" _Kil, you don't need friends."_

A wave of panicked nausea rolled over Killua as Illumi's voice and image forced its way into his mind.

" _You don't have the right to have friends."_

" _You'll just betray and kill them eventually anyway, Kil, why bother?"_

Killua groaned and gripped his head as hard as he could as though he could regain control of his thoughts that way. His claws came out and scraped his scalp, drawing blood. The pain offered a momentary clarity to Killua but in that moment, he heard Gon's footsteps coming back up the stairs.

Killua was unsure of whether he feared being hurt by Gon or hurting Gon, hearing those things from him again directly or showing him that his apology hadn't really changed anything, despite how sincere it was. Nonetheless, he took the only course of action he felt he could and fled through the open window in Gon's room.

 **xxx**

"Killua?" Gon called into the empty room.

He thought he had felt a strong gust of wind under the door as he stepped up to it but hadn't thought anything of it. But now Killua was gone and too little of the room was messed up for the gust to have come in through the window.

Without further hesitation, Gon put down the drinks and leapt through the window in pursuit of Killua.

Gon didn't know what was wrong but he had no doubt that something was.

 **xxx**

This was stupid.

He was being stupid.

Killua had gone into Zetsu as soon as he had hit the treeline and he wound his way through tree and bush until he found an impressively gnarled growth that seemed like it was probably two or three trees all grown together to make a tangled mess of branch, root, and trunk. He managed to squeeze himself inside one of the larger tangled areas and he crouched inside of it, hiding like a child.

These were Gon's woods, the ones he grew up in. There was no way Killua wouldn't be found, probably sooner rather than later, even despite erasing his presence. He scoffed at himself when he remembered Gon's superhuman sense of smell that was probably even now leading Gon to him.

It was dark, cool, and slightly damp where he was, an extremely unpleasant reminder of his family's home, though one he felt like he deserved, acting like this.

Now, even more than when he had been panicking in Gon's room, Killua desperately wanted to avoid seeing Gon. He felt stupid and childish and he was angry with himself. He didn't want to show this side of himself to Gon, not ever if he could possibly help it.

He knew Gon would probably feel guilty about Killua feeling like this too if he told Gon the truth. Ha, like there was anything he could be expected to do beyond what he had already done.

But all the same, Illumi's words were still echoing in his mind, making him feel like he would lose control of himself at any moment and he craved Gon's bright, grounding presence and the touch of the warm, rough skin on his hands. And if he had really hoped to avoid Gon, he should have taken steps to hide his scent too.

A tiny voice in the back of his mind suggested that maybe Gon didn't even want to find Killua, that he was relieved that Killua had run off. Now he wouldn't have to deal with Killua always looking down on him and acting all superior. Wouldn't have to deal with Killua disregarding his feelings and trying to stop him from attaining his goals by taking the enemy's side.

 _I don't think like that, though...do I?_ Killua thought. _That's not how I feel about Gon._

" _ **Since it means nothing to you."**_

Feeling overwhelmed and trapped on multiple fronts, Killua started to tear up.

"That wasn't true," Killua said out loud to Gon's voice playing in his head as he curled in on himself. "It wasn't true that it meant nothing to me!"

A low, keening cry worked its way from Killua's chest to his open mouth.

 **xxx**

Killua's scent had been harder to follow than Gon had expected. Since the two of them had spent so much time together, their scents had mingled and following a scent as familiar and as similar to his own as Killua's was right now was actually quite a challenge and required Gon's full attention.

Then Gon heard Killua's voice, though he couldn't make out what he said and following that he heard what sounded like it was probably Killua crying. Hearing such a scared and desperate noise from Killua was totally foreign to Gon but just made him more sure something was wrong and he needed to find Killua _now_.

"Killua!" Gon called. "Are you okay? Where are you?"

Gon followed Killua's crying which had pretty much become a soft wail and as he got closer, he heard Killua start to mumble something again.

"Killua! What happened? Did you get hurt?"

Gon was able to track Killua's voice to three trees which had intertwined as they had grown, leaving plenty of great hiding spots in their midst. Gon quickly found the one that Killua had wedged himself into and peered inside.

Killua looked up at Gon, eyes streaming with tears.

"It wasn't meaningless to me," he almost croaked. "What happened to Kite. It wasn't meaningless to me."

"Huh? I know that," Gon said, as if there were no more obvious fact and that he couldn't imagine why Killua was bringing it up.

"Even if it hadn't been Kite," Killua continued with his head lowered again. "Even if it had been some total stranger that I had never met before, it would have mattered to me because it mattered to you."

Gon slid into the tangle with Killua, easily enough for him to impress Killua and crouched next to Killua and looked at him, looking concerned.

"Killua, are you still… did I hurt you that much when I said that stuff back when I fought Pitou?"

Killua didn't respond. He felt bad, both for himself and for Gon who no doubt felt guilty right now. He wasn't sure he could have intelligibly answered anyway. Though Gon's arrival had calmed the voices in Killua's head for the most part which had in turn calmed Killua a little, it also made him feel a little safer which reintensified his crying.

In a lower, somewhat guilty sounding voice, Gon asked, "Did make you think of that when I said that that assignment earlier must have been easy for you?"

This time Killua nodded infinitesimally.

Gon managed to maneuver himself in the cramped space so that he and Killua were facing each other and placed his hands on Killua's knees. Gon softly called Killua's name, to get him to raise his face and when he finally did, Gon said,

"What you said earlier about me being an idiot, it's definitely true."

Killua tried to interrupt and voice his disagreement but Gon kept going.

"There are lots of times I don't think things through before I say or do them and sometimes it's not just me who gets hurt as a result."

Gon looked down for a moment. "I don't know how to fix this. I don't even know if there _is_ a way for me to make it up to you," he said softly. After a pause, he looked up to Killua again and said more strongly, "But I'll try and I'll apologize, as many times as it takes, because you're important to me, Killua! I'm really sorry I said those things. I didn't mean them then and I definitely don't mean them now."

Killua's brows knitted together and he looked away. "The only reason we're having this conversation is because I'm so weak," said Killua. "I can't handle a few hurtful words from my friend even when I already know he's just saying them because he's angry."

Gon chuckled then and said, "That's okay!"

He leaned in closer to Killua and continued, "If that weren't the case, I wouldn't be better than you at anything besides kissing!"

Gon kissed Killua then, soft and sweet and warm. For Killua, kissing Gon was intoxicating, like he was filling with light. It was the warmest and most loved he ever felt when he and Gon shared sweet kisses like these.

Killua's body relaxed and he uncurled partially, allowing Gon closer to him. His fingers made their way into Gon's hair and Gon's arms wound around the back of Killua's neck.

Gon took a moment to kiss away the tears from Killua's cheeks before kissing him on the mouth again.

When they stopped again, Gon pressed his head against Killua's and twisted his head back and forth a couple of times in such a way that reminded Killua of a nuzzling cat.

"I'm sorry I made you remember bad memories," Gon said.

"I'm sorry I made you come out here and save me like some kid," Killua said with a wry smirk.

Gon laughed. "Well I'll come out and save you any time you need! Because you're special to me, Killua! I love you!"

A blush appeared on Killua's face then and he looked away, demanding, "Don't you have _any_ shame?"

"Eh? But we're the only ones out here. And anyway, you're going to say that after we kissed?" Gon said with a confused whine.

Killua looked briefly at Gon's face and then away again, as though considering something. Then he turned back and claimed Gon's lips with his own, returning the sweet kisses from before with a fiery one.

"I… love you too, Gon. I'm really happy I met you," Killua said.

"I'm really happy I met you too, Killua!" Gon cheered.

 **xxx**

Eventually the two wriggled out of their little tree nest and decided to head back to Gon's house.

"We should probably wash the blood out of your hair before we get back…" Gon said. "Aunt Mito will ask about it if we don't and you don't really wanna talk about it, right?"

"Yeah…" Killua agreed.

Killua hissed when the deeper scrapes got touched but washing Killua's hair out ended up being pretty easy overall. The cool river water felt good on the hot, stinging skin.

"We can put some medicine on the wounds on your head when we get back," said Gon. "That will help."

Killua tried to dismiss the gesture as unnecessary but Gon insisted so he gave in.

"Do you really think you're better at kissing than me?" Killua asked.

"Well, I've got more experience so…" Gon said thoughtfully.

Killua blushed again. He always forgot that Gon had more romantic experience than him. It wasn't really a fair comparison but still.

"Well I guess I can concede to you being better than me at one or two things…" Killua acquiesced.

Gon laughed again, lighting Killua what felt like even more than the sun. Of course it had meant something to him.

Because Gon meant something to him.


End file.
